Hitomebore

It has been a long time since I had a crush.

There is this guy who is working for a client company. I talked to him only when I had difficulties at work. Most of the time, I don’t want to talk to him because I don’t even understand what I’m working on. 🫣 I personally feel IT is just not for me. I only saw him via video call maybe 6-7 times in half a year.

Until three weeks ago, we had a team dinner and there I saw him for the first time not through the screen.

He is tall and skinny. He has long hair and a beard. I am not sure of his age, but my guess is around early 40.

It was a dinner of seven people. Two were people from client company. We sat a little bit far. Actually, I sat far from the clients on purpose. I’m shy and anxious of social gathering. 

Well, I talked a little bit though. I listened more. No, I was more focused with the food.

Anyway, I believe we had eye contact for more than five seconds. I think his eyes are greenish. I know the eye contact means nothing since I notice he was always looking attentively at someone who was currently talking.

I was not interested nor fell in love whatsoever but I truly felt that he is very beautiful as a human being. I don’t know why. When on my way home, I even said to my team leader, “He is so kakkoii in real life.”

FYI, if you know me I never think white guys are kakkoii and he is white.

One day, he came to our office, and asked us whether we had problems. I said no, because I didn’t have work that day. But I was checking my colleague's work and there was a thing I didn’t understand.

He touched my shoulder and asked me where was the problem. Then he looked at my screen.

I may sound like josei kosei, but I was feeling kyun a little.

That’s all. Until I Googled him. 😂

He loves reading and learning. He has other activities outside his work and so many. I cannot mention what those are. Now I understand why he has charisma. I think people who keep learning and studying has different aura and are more attractive.

I also found his postal code and phone number 😂

I only checked once. I don’t want to check anymore.

Since two weeks ago, I feel I’m attracted to him. #joshikosei

But even if I like someone, I don’t chase.

Maybe he has family or he’s gay. 

Well, deep inside my heart, I hope he doesn’t and isn’t.

Maybe it is not hitomebore, it’s just a crush. But crush is called crush because it crushes your soul and mind. 🥺

I will just keep busy.

And yeah I’ll meet my cats soon!

So I hope this feeling lasts ASAP.

It’s good that it motivates me, but I’m tired.

Note:

kakkoii (かっこいい)　= cool, good-looking

joshi kosei (女子高生)　= high-school girl

kyun (キュン) = Japanese onomatopoeia for 'my heart skipped a beat!'

hitomebore (一目惚れ) = first love at first sight